A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

It’s no secret I make a lot of lists. Having watched season 1 of Last Man on Earth* and gotten way too involved in life in the cul-de-sac where they live (and gather around the campfire each night) has prompted me to come up with my own neighbor list. It’s sort of like KakWorld, but in a handy neighborhood version.

It’s not that I want to live near a celebrity. I actually don’t. I’m so pop-culturally clueless, I might actually live near one and not even know it. I chose these people not because I want to live in their orbit of fame, but because they seem like they would bring things I want to the neighbor table. I capped it at 10 houses in my cul-de-sac, because otherwise, it defeats the purpose of my list work if I let everyone on it.

You may be surprised that Bruce Springsteen isn’t on it. I don’t want to live near him. I think he’s probably not super-social and what if he kept horses out back. Pee-yoo. I’ll just love him from a distance. Our relationship is complicated like that.

Jon Bon Jovi. I’m not a rabid JBJ fan. I can name maybe three songs. That’s probably an exaggeration. Okay, one. (Short interlude while I Google….) Yes, definitely one.

I like Jon because he seems like a decent guy. Married to his high-school sweetheart and a decent sense of humor about his celebrity. (Remember when he was the subject of an internet death rumor?)

Kathy Bates. I’m not a rabid Kathy Bates fan, either. I liked her in Fried Green Tomatoes and Primary Colors, which might be the only two movies I’ve seen her in. I liked her character in The Office. She just strikes me as the type of gal who probably swears at backyard BBQs and serves booze at her Tupperware parties.

Jacques Torres. He’s the cute French chef who specializes in chocolate desserts. I think that says it all. I’ll bet he keeps his lawn neat, too.

Tom and Lorenzo. I’m gonna need some snarky gay guys in my cul-de-sac. While Tom and Lorenzo are celebrity fashion bloggers and I’m not interested in that, I do love their snarky attitudes. Can you imagine how much fun Oscar night would be with those guys? I would also be willing to swap these guys out with Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen.

Kelly Willis and Bruce Robison. Okay, this is a bit of a celebrity crush. They seem like an ordinary couple, running kids to soccer practice and clipping Sunday coupons. Pretty sure I could talk them into singing at parties. I’ll bet they tell really good stories and have interesting people over to the house.

A Mac Genius Bar Worker. I don’t really care who this person is as long as it’s not Nick the Computer Guy from SNL. Having a neighbor who would come over and fix all your computer woes (and think it’s fun) is a big big plus. I would make this person cookies.

Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka. I just think these guys look fun to hang out with. They’re normal dads with adorable kids. Plus, David’s a chef. And have you seen their Halloween costumes? Legit.

Mike Rowe. Come on, here’s the guy you want to sit around the yard and have a beer with. He’s going to tell great stories and probably bring beer. Also, he looks like he’d be handy with heavy lifting if you needed it, and he probably has a decent plumber and electrician on speed dial. I feel like he probably knows all the words to Harper Valley PTA, so that’ll come in handy when Kelly and Bruce burst into song. I hope he’ll be chivalrous enough to kill lizards.

Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. I once saw Tom Hanks on some talk show where he said he didn’t really like big celebrity red-carpet events, so that leads me to believe he’s probably an okay neighbor. I like that whole self-deprecating thing he’s got going on, and I’ll bet he’s got a movie-screening room with comfy chairs in it, so I could actually see a movie every now and again. I just don’t want the in-laws roasting a lamb on the front lawn. (If the roast-lamb thing becomes an issue, I would substitute Roger Federer. I figure he’ll give free tennis tips in exchange for babysitting those cute twins. And also because it’s Roger Federer.)

Sandra Boynton. You just know she has a really cool studio where she draws fun stuff and it’s probably stocked with good chocolate. She seems like the type who would always help clean up after a party. Maybe she would give out free books. I’ll bet she would come over and doodle on your notepads and then you’d have a bunch of cool one-of-a-kind keepsakes. I feel like she would be willing to be try some goofy Pinterest craft idea with me. (If she actually has 15 animals, this is a deal-breaker.)

*Footnote: Since I started this, the Last Man group has moved into a house in Malibu in season 2. Just to be clear: I don’t want these people living with me. I just want them close enough to borrow a cup of sugar from if I need it.