Welcome to Dorkville. Population: Me

Well, ouch. It seems like yesterday, but in fact it was 37 years ago this month that I packed my bags and headed off to San Marcos, Texas and Retama Hall to begin my college years at Southwest Texas State University, whose new name I do not recognize and refuse to use.

Apparently, my freshman English class assignment was to write

some sort of “commentary” piece, and like any good pack rat with dreams of a Pulitzer, I saved it. It’s typed on that off-white copy paper that I’d obviously purloined from the newsroom. Oh dear lord, it’s painful. I only hope it wasn’t published anywhere with my name on it. It reads like an episode of Happy Days Goes to College.

But in the spirit of education for all those little freshmen heading off to college, here are some things I learned along the way. Just for good measure, I spiced it up with a little commentary.

Please don’t judge me.

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If I’d only known, a year ago, if I’d only known what I know now. Well, I probably wouldn’t have believed it if anyone tried to tell me. I believe it now, for I have survived my freshman year at college, unless something happens to me in the next three weeks and three days.

Had someone said to me, “You’ll learn to sleep with the lights on and the stereo playing,” I would have had my doubts. [This is clearly hyperbole. We had those gigantic headphones, so if my roommate had music playing, I would never have heard it. I won’t call her out by name here since she's probably reading it, but my roommate used to air-conduct with headphones on.]

No one told me that I’d eventually get used to my next-door neighbors’ stereo when when it’s turned up all the way – at 9 a.m. on Saturday morning. [9 a.m. in the morning. Nice.]

Why didn’t someone tell me I’d be making meals out of peanut butter and crackers? Or did they? [No one tells you that this will be true 35 years later, by the way. Ditto popcorn.]

If I’d only known that the cafeteria would serve mashed potatoes with burritos and french fries with lasagna. [This isn’t even a complete sentence!]

I had no idea I’d spend all night at Sambo’s studying for a philosophy final. [Sambo’s – not just a restaurant, but a racial slur!]

Nor did I ever imagine 11 people would fit into my room just to watch All My Children on my television. [In all fairness, Billy Clyde Tuggle was a pretty big draw.]

In my wildest dreams, I never thought I would be so bored that I’d roller skate through the halls of my dorm. [No recollection of this. None.]

I hadn’t planned on a 28-mile trip back to the dorm taking 90 minutes. (I had a sick friend who called for frequent stops.) [This I do remember. I won’t call her out by name either, but I’m pretty sure she remembers it, too.]

Seventy-eight steps to a class? I didn’t count on that! [Tennis courts to Old Main – daily dose of cardio]

I never thought I’d go to a disco dressed in a chicken suit, either, but I did. [Went in a Lone Star longneck outfit the following year. Note to my air-conducting roommate -- I didn't post the picture of both of us in our chicken suits. You're welcome.]

I even spent a Friday night engrossed in the Wizard of Oz when it came on television. [This does not seem at all weird to me.]

And I never knew long-distance telephone calls could be so expensive. [Kids today would be horrified if they ever had to pay $40 for calls to their boyfriends.]

I always thought people were kidding when they said 150 was a normal number of students in a classroom.

Never, ever did I think I’d find goldfish being kept in a toilet (their bowl broke). Their watery end came when a maintenance man accidentally flushed after fixing a clog.

I hadn’t expected to find my bed short-sheeted or see my neighbors sunbathing on the roof of our dorm.

I found out there is no feeling worse than grabbing your doorknob, only to find it greased with Crisco. [We had Crisco in the dorm? I know this sounds like something dirty, but it wasn't.]

Wait, there is one worse feeling – it’s being in the shower and having cold water thrown on you. But even worse than that is looking for your towel afterward, only to find it gone, the work of the cold-water conspirators. [Seriously? That happened? What were we thinking? This must have been before our new RA taught us to sprinkle laundry detergent in someone’s bed. You know who you are.]

And I couldn’t believe the university expects two people to live in a room the size of my closet at home, but they do. And we did.

Boy, I never knew 8 a.m. classes were so early. It never bothered me in high school.

I wasn’t prepared to go through four hours of registration on nine different floors without an elevator and having to pay $900 for doing it! [Yes, a whopping $900 for 15 hours.]

Nor was I prepared for a library that had nine floors of books. [And looked like an IBM punch card. H/T to those of you who know what that is.]

I forgot that I’d be sharing a bathroom with 15 other girls.

I didn’t know I’d be able to watch M*A*S*H three times a day and four times on Monday, on three different channels. [It’s possible I was “experiencing college life” differently than others.]

I wasn’t aware that I’d be dealing with washing machines that eat socks (only one of a pair) and spit grease on my clothes.

I wasn’t prepared to need 11 books for five classes and find out that amounted to $132. [Resist making ageist comment here, please.]

I never thought I’d remember the names of the 36 girls on my hall, much less their hometowns and majors. [Or that half of them would be Facebook pals decades later.]

The best thing, though, is knowing that I made it through freshman English. When do grades come out? [You should see the line I scratched out for this one. It was one giant eye roll.]

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I know what you're thinking. No, there isn't a grade on it. But the good news, there's probably more of this stuff around if I keep looking, so my humiliation lives on!